5.26.2004 • 8:15 PM

Zoom Zoom

Don't trust a man with a fast car. Porsche drivers are less faithful than any other group of car owners, with almost 50 percent of them cheating on their partners, a survey published in German magazine 'Men's Car' has revealed.

So I wonder if this applies to the loser I saw in an Acura with the license plate PORSCHE.

Now do you think the license plate is a more effective way of tricking people into thinking you have a better car? Or is it better to totally Fast & Furious your car out like the BMW Millennium Edition?

5.25.2004 • 5:57 PM

Dead Cicadas Pt. 2

I seriously am about to kill the cicadas. They are so freaking loud. I know I said I loved them, but it's driving me crazy. I'm working from home today and have the radio on and door closed, yet they are still incredibly loud. Driving I can hear them at 75 mph. It's almost like a dentist drill. That jackhammer thing was correct!! I'm actually looking forward to being at the Mall because I can't hear them inside, at least not yet.

• 3:24 PM

Dead Cicadas (TM)

You saw it here first.
http://cgi.ebay.com/ws/eBayISAPI.dll?ViewItem&item=3679551254

Channel 11 will probably be featuring it on their 5pm newscast.

My roomate asked "Why would anyone buy a dead cicada?" So I read off the great copy in this ad!

Free gummy sticker with each order, "I bought a Dead Cicada on eBay!"

Watch the American Idol Finals with your new Dead Cicada friend!

Play "Find The Dead Cicada" with your children just like you did when you were a kid!

Be the talk of your school, or your assisted living facility!

Cicadas are good luck in China (or someplace)!

Buy some for your friends!

Makes a great gift idea!
Christmas is just around the corner

Know anyone turning 17? Happy Birthday!

Dress them in clothing like little humans!

17 years in the making! A steal at $3 (that's less than 18 cents per year!)

We carefully select the freshest highest quality Dead Cicadas (TM) harvested by our most qualified illegal immigrant Dead Cicada pickers!

Comes in it's own used gumbox (gum not included).
We reserve the right to substitute some other cheap-ass container.

Guaranteed dead on arrival!

Don't miss out on the swarm! Buy a Dead Cicada!

Own your own 17-year Dead Cicada! Then get a new one 17 years later!

Dead CicadasTM Charliesmagic.com
All Rights Left

• 11:38 AM

ewewew

Google provides searches for EVERYTHING! I was testing it out and randomly typed "ewewew" without looking and got back 511 results.

5.24.2004 • 1:17 AM

Fusion!

My friend invented the finest form of fusion I've ever seen: Cheese Kabobs.

Those of you who know me well know of my love of all things cheese (except cottage) and for the kabob.

I've been to the Motherland of Wisconsin twice. I've asked total strangers "what's your favorite type of cheese?" I own 2 large books dedicated to cheese. This entire website is cheese.

My 28th birthday tiki party featured Make-Your-Own-Kabobs. I want to name my first born son Chilligan Kabob (Chachi + Gilligan). I'll call him Bob for short.

Never in my life did I ever think of combining the two. Even when the Demi Diva & I were racking our brains to think of every food on stick we could think of for the Kabob International demo. Yes, we made up a fake company and Lisa wrote great copy describing frozen food on sticks, carnival eats, meat on sticks and more. But not cheese.

I feel like a door has been opened. I will think of my life as BCK (Before Cheese Kabobs) and now ACK. I hereby proclaim cheese kabobs as the official food of our Fusion movement! If you got a hankering for a hunk of cheese, break out your toothpicks and spear on, my friend.

5.20.2004 • 11:55 PM

Honey Doo Doo

In the NYTimes: "A passer-by may experience the harmless mist of cicada urine if there are enough of them in a tree overhead...."

Question: Do cicadas pee, and if so, why?

Short Answer: Because, like humans, they have to.

Answer: Courtesy of Les Daniels, author of the Great Lakes Cicada site:
"I've experienced this several times where I was on the receiving end of this artificial rain. When many cicadas congregate on warm days, they feed on the tree fluids and often urinate 'piss' while doing so. This bug urine is called 'honey dew.' The little buggers have pelted me several times while I was observing a little 'too' close. It isn't uncommon.

Lastly, the 'honey dew' does not stain, or stink. In fact, it feels like rain drops."

I was just starting to like these bugs. Now they are peeing on me.

• 10:41 PM

Shreech Shreech Shreech


Take the Cicada Test!

So this test is pretty funny, only because most of the questions & answers totally fit me:
What's for dinner?
Sushi

What's your favorite color?
Anything shiny (Like ChrisG, it mesmorizes me)

Pick a song.
Weird Al Yankovic - Eat It (I was singing this at work last night. I saw him in concert with ChrisG and really liked this song because he changed into a big shiny fat suit)

And which is your favorite show?
Cicada Idol (and I was bitching that I was missing American Idol, and how cool I think the cicada are. I saw a million of the bugs at my friends house in Columbia, formerly known as the Land of the Big Sky. Now it's Cicadaville. Their backyard was like a National Geographic Special!)

What is your favorite non-cicada animal?
Cat

What's your favorite number?
666 (It was in the phone number of my church growing up)

What's your preferred mode of transportation?
Oscar Mayer Weinermobile (Cause I've sat in it and pretended I was driving!! And I named my rabbit Oscar Mayer Weiner Cadbury Bunny Schenk -- he's corporate sponsored.)

Also, if anyone is looking for a gift for me, you can get me this cicada necklace!

• 1:51 PM

Conspiracy Theory Theory

While brewing my coffee my mind wandered to the topic of conspiracy theories. We all hear this term thrown around on topics ranging from American Idol to Afghanistan. Now we all know that it's rare for a human to be honest and moral 100% of the time. So, wouldn't that mean that sometimes people DO consire and that some of these theories are correct?

Now I'm not going to make any guesses as to which are true. It's just interesting to me to think about the possiblity.

So I went to Google & my favorite consiracy radio website for some answers. I was a bit surprised how timely my random thoughts were. Google's first search result was "Top Ten Conspiracy Theories of 2002", published Jan 2, 2003. Coast to Coast AM's news had the first story as "Top 10 Conspiracy Theories of 2003-2004", published May 18, 2004.

Coincidence or Consiracy?!

In either case, I bet Juan Valdez is involved. Here's my proof (no I didn't create it, I found it with Google):

5.18.2004 • 2:14 PM

JACKPOT!

So my entry 5.13.2004 prophesied a jackhammer connection, and here it is! I have been on the quest to hear the song of the cicada, but have failed. I've walked over the dead bodies on of millions as I do my nightly Forest Gump walk. I was ready to take a trip to Timonium, where the cry of the locust is hear loud & clear.

As I sit here and type, my prayers have been answered. I have heard the mating call. My big trees out back survived Hurricane Isabel to be homes for my favorite bug.

And thanks to the Baltimore Sun online we have the jackhammer jackpot. Cicadas spend 17 years in the ground and now their lifecycle is a handy diagram. Do you think I could make one of my existence?

I wonder if I need to wear hearing protection. One of my many claims to fame is I was the ear model for the "Hearing Protection" training unit produced by Williams Learning Network. Yes, my right ear was virtually cut off my head and to serve as the perfect model in video, cdrom and web-based training. I'm the Van Gogh of the information age. I do wear my mp3 player and blast "White Lines" and "Ice Ice Baby" at a level that is less than the cicada cry, so maybe I won't go deaf after all.

I also would like to give a big Papal Hallelujah to my parents, the Fish Stix Heiress & the Step Pope on their 8th wedding anniversary. (Cyber Mom married John Paull, making her Mrs. Paull). It also happens to be the other Pope's 84th birthday. So it's a very happy holy day for us all. It's like I hear choirs of angels singing.

Or maybe it's just the cicadas. Let me find my ear plugs.

5.14.2004 • 11:56 AM

Rupert!



YEAAAAH RUPERT! You can pay me later for all the votes I cast for you and your tie dye.

Now, did the web designers at CBS.com go blind?! Did you NOT notice that Rupert & your promo for Helter Skelter look like the same guy?!

Rupert, have you considered an acting career? You can follow in Colby's footsteps!! Next sweeps month perhaps CBS will cast you as Jesus in Joan of Arcadia. And it's a given that you are Hagrid. Ooh, I know!! Rupert- Indiana Ranger!!

But AMERICA'S TRIBAL COUNCIL?! Do you think Howard Dean blogged about it in his BLOG FOR AMERICA? I seriously think more people would vote for the President if it was turned into reality tv. After all, that really is our reality. If it would get people to turn out and vote, I'm all for it!!

• 1:03 AM

My life as a Late Night Talk Show

I soooo love Conan O'Brien. I started this site because I wanted my own talk show, but now I realize that Conan is the perfect show, and not only because of the recent Canadian tour.

He has this big lever behind his desk that he pulls to show clips of Walker, Texas Ranger. Now how does this relate to my life? Good question, my faithful reader.

I spent Easter 2000 in Texas. My brother was stationed at Ft. Hood, so we spent the weekend on the mass murder tour of Texas: Luby's Cafeteria in Killeen, the University of Texas at Austin Tower, then a fun-filled day in Waco, home of the Branch Davidian compound and the Texas Ranger Hall of Fame & Museum. No celebration of Jesus rising from the dead is complete without a stop at a museum dedicated to bounty hunters.

Yes, I know my family sounds nuts, but so is Texas. It's a scary place. They need Walker to keep it safe. They had a whole display set up next to the half of a buffalo coming out of the wall dedicated to the show. Yes, a buffalo protruding from the wall like it was about to stampede the hallway. Did I mention that Texas likes dead animals? That's another story. Other than paying my respects at the W-TR shrine, I've never seen the show.

I've really been enjoying the clips that Conan is showing and suggest they send a camera crew to Waco immediately.

About a month ago I saw this bit on Conan O'Brien:

*Introduction by Conan* (note: I did not type all this out... thank you Google!!)

(Conan speaking seriously) There’s a lot of anger in America today, between the war, the uncertain economy, the divisive presidential election….and we have one person on our staff who is particularly angry -- graphics designer Pierre Bernard. Pierre says he knows how America feels and he’s ready to articulate our anger. (cut to shot of youngish black guy….glasses, nice-looking, maybe slightly geeky… in a recliner…light laughter from audience and Conan). He thought he might as well be comfortable while he does it. Here he is, speaking for all of us….

Intro music: Pierre Bernard’s Recliner of Rage (graphic on screen...

(Cut to full shot of Pierre leaning back in a ratty brown recliner on stage… laughter)

Conan: Hey there Pierre, nice to see you, are you comfortable *and* angry?

Pierre: I’m comfortable and furious Conan! (light laughter)

Conan: Then go ahead and speak for America, Pierre

Pierre: Okay here goes, there’s this show on the Scifi network called Stargate SG-1, probably the best scifi show since Star Trek. In every episode the Stargate team, lead by Colonel Jack O’Neill go thru the stargate on another adventure, killing Goa’ulds and saving the Earth from aliens.

Pierre: But there’s this one character I find extremely annoying, Dr. Daniel Jackson played by actor Michael Shanks. He always slows down the action by trying to understand the different alien cultures they encounter, even those aliens who are trying to kill them. In season 5, I thought they finally fixed this show by killing off this guy! (light laughter) Without him there was way more action and special effects. But in season 7 they brought him back from the dead, like Spock! Since then the action is okay, but when this guy gets on screen, once again it’s the usual talking and getting to know you nonsense. Bottom line America, (Pierre sits up in his chair and points his finger at the camera) Stargate SG-1 is way better *without* Dr. Daniel Jackson!!

(cheers and applause….I think because people are glad he’s done!)

Conan: Okay, thank you Pierre. I think there are six people out there who know exactly what you are talking about. (laughter)

Pierre: Damn straight Conan, there are.

*End*

Yes, I was one of the 6 people cause I understood every word of the rant. Last night, Pierre did another rant and it made me think of Stargate and my own "brush with greatness" last summer. Yes, I went to a Sci Fi convention. I can't remember if I already blogged this, but I will again, in the context of this Conan moment.

There is a fairly large Sci Fi convention called Shore Leave that is held pretty close to my parents house. So close, that my prom was actually in the same room. Not at the same time, but that would have been funny because they do a masquerade ball where people dress like Trekkies and stuff. No, I didn't go to that part, although strictly for the comedy factor I'm considering going this year. Or to find the perfect Mr. Virtuallinda.

The highlight of SL 2003 was meeting Teal'c from SG-SG1 and Deanna Troi from STNG (Star Trek Next Generation, the good one with Wil Wheaton. Christopher Judge, who plays Teal'c, in real life is absolutely hilarious. He has the best laugh ever, which makes me appreciate how great an actor he is. His character is really serious. He was smoking and drinking and telling stories about MacGyver and crew. Marina Sirtis was also very entertaining. I laughed harder than at some comedy shows I've seen. And the icing on the cake was the guy next to me was wearing a full Trek uniform.

My true geekiness came out when I saw Chris Judge outside. He said he needed to shave his head when he went back to the set the next day, so I blurted out "you should sell your hair on eBay." Someone WOULD buy it. Not me, I lifted the cigarette butt from the ground so now I have his DNA. Kidding. Or AM I?

So lucky Pierre, who happens to be one of the graphic artists who Photoshop the fake pictures on Conan's show (which is my dream job), gets a call from StarGate and not only gets a free trip to Vancouver (my dream vacation), but a guest spot on the show. He got the tour of the SG set and had a scene with Richard Dean Anderson (my dream man).

Pierre took a camera crew with him and off he went. Here's Pierre's trip to Vancouver:

>> Pierre arrives at the airport and is taken to the studio. He gets to see his trailer (with Technician No. 2) taped on the door. Seems excited about the TV inside the trailer.

>> Inside studio. Pierre meets Rob Cooper and Brad Wright.
BW: "So you really are a big fan of the show?"
Pierre: "Yeah this is not a joke. That bit I did on Conan, it came from the heart cause I'm into the show!"

>> Pierre gets to walk up the gate ramp and see the stargate. *he's very excited* Pierre: "Am I allowed to say this? Holy ____(bleep!)" Damn!"

>> Pierre goes with Brad and Rob to Atlantis stage.
Pierre: "So they finally found it?"
Brad: "Yeah, this is the lost city of Atlantis"
Pierre: "Will the villain be another Gou'ald?"
Brad: "er... no"

>> Pierre playing around on a mock space ship, pretending to shoot gun, etc. Camera pans around to show sound stage (audience laughs). [Pierre looks like a little kid playing around]

>> Pierre is out on lot, runs into Amanda Tapping (she's dressed in air force regulation skirt, shirt).
AT: "Hey!" (hugs Pierre), "Nice to meet you, I'm a huge fan of your segment"
Pierre: "Thank you, I'm a huge fan of yours" *he's very nervous, Pierre hands AT a notebook*
Pierre: "My artwork. I want to give you guys, I hope you like it"
AT: "I'll see you around" *walks off*
Pierre: (to camera) "I thought the high point of my life was when I met Halle Berry. *This* is the high point!"

>> Pierre meets Richard Dean Anderson in the studio.
RDA: "Nice to meet you"
Pierre: "It's an honor to meet you"
RDA and Pierre sit in their directors chair (Pierre has one with his name on it) and chat about nothing, really (food was mentioned).

>> They film Pierre's scene! Pierre is dressed in dark blue Air Force jumpsuit. He's playing Master Sergeant O'Brien. Again he's very nervous and excited. This is the scene. RDA comes striding out to where O'Brien is sitting at the control desk above the gate O'Brien: "We have audio contact sir, It's Colonel Carter"

*sigh* Not delivered very well. Pierre tries again, the director tells him to put some adrenaline into it, Pierre rehearses and the director is finally satisfied (not sure who the director was, it wasn't Martin Wood or PDL).

RDA comes out and pats Pierre on the shoulder and whispers "don't change a thing" (this was very cute)

>> Director calls action! Scene is shot. Conan's studio audience gives a big round of applause. End tape.

*************************************************

They come back to Conan live on the show and he brings out Pierre. Pierre comes out wearing his costume from the show. hee! They show the actual finished clip from the episode Pierre was in. It was great. Nothing much more than RDA and Pierre in the control booth, but you do hear AT (as Carter) answer "We're under heavy fire sir, open the iris". The iris is opened and shots fire into the gateroom. They show Pierre (as O'Brien) peeking above the desk. Looks pretty scared. Very funny.

Cut back to Conan. Everyone is clapping. Conan asks Pierre whether he's going back. Pierre says ....er...... and they cut to yet another clip from the SG-1 set. This is the funniest bit.

Pierre is in costume, standing in a hall at the SGC. He says:
"Dr. Jackson, is that you?"
*Then he's riddled with gunfire and falls over.*

It was hysterical. You never see Michael Shanks (Daniel Jackson), just Pierre getting shot. It would have been fun to see the camera panning around to show MS/DJ but it didn't look like MS was even on set that day. None of the cast was shown except AT and RDA.

****
Oh, Conan, please hire me!! Just don't send me back to Waco.

5.13.2004 • 5:09 PM

Random Comments

One of things I like about working at the mall part time is getting to talk to my fans -- I mean the general public. People will tell me the most random things, which of course I store in my brain to later blog about.

The girl at the coffee shop used a jackhammer on Monday. Yes, it was just as random as me typing it here. But I can almost guarantee I will have some other weird jackhammer connection in the next few days.

2 other women were about to have babies. I literally mean about to. The first one was already 3 mm dialated, and they were both trying to beat the baby out using our $3500 massage chair. Really, you don't need to tell me this, even though reclining back with our "lights as bright as a gyn office" does make it seem like an exam.

And then there is James Woods. He came into the store and was trying out the vibrating back massager. OK, maybe it wasn't REALLY him, but imagine it was, because I was at the time. I was giving my sales pitch, "it's great when you are driving and hit a traffic jam, instead of getting pissed off, you can get a massage!"

He suppressed a giggle and then said that reminded him of a story but he wasn't sure if I would be offended... so of course I made him tell me.

His friend used was a police Sergeant in California and was called to the scene of a traffic stop. The other officers wouldn't tell him what was up until he got there. He found the man unable to get out of the car cause he had a vibrator up his butt while he had been driving.

I still can't believe a complete stranger told me this story. Well, not complete stranger because I enjoyed his performance The Virgin Suicides. I should have told him about that website with the Xrays.

5.12.2004 • 11:38 PM

Full House!

Cleto Ruiz Diaz, who lives with three partners and his 37 children in a two-bedroom apartment, said he doesn't want any more children. He is campaigning for free vasectomies.

I used to think the craziest people were the ones who lived in an apartment full of cats, but I think this takes the cake.

• 4:06 PM

Better Than the Exit Row

Singapore Airlines has designed a corpse cupboard next to one of the plane's exit doors which is long enough to store an average-sized body, with special straps to prevent any movement during a bumpy landing.

The old method was to throw a sheet over the body, or try and find a few empty seats to lay the deceased on. Really, I think that is still the best method. Could you imagine sitting on the plane watching a team of people trying to move the body & shove it into the closet? Do you think the flight attendants are trained on that? That would be fun role playing! I'll be the body!!

5.08.2004 • 8:51 AM

Maine Dish

Yesterday, I had a hankering for some seafood so I made a can of Lobster Bisque. My roommate is from "up north", not the "Great White North", but New England, so she was curious to know how it was. So I'll tell everyone.

Lobster Bisque looks a lot like puke. That is, when you have a half full bowl of it sitting next to your monitor, and your cat named Pixel decides to jump into it. It went everywhere. My number pad on my keyboard is still sticking and so is my mouse.

5.07.2004 • 2:49 PM

Bob Doles Loves Rachel

On the Tonight Show: "Bob Dole was on Friends in 1995. Bob Dole quit Friends in 1996 to fun for President. Bob Dole should have stayed on Friends." - Bob Dole

Crazy Pappy's comments:
No doubt the final episode would have been better if Rachel had declined Ross's plea to stay in New York, and had gone to Paris to meet Bob Dole.

Rachel: "Ross, I do love you. But I have to go to Paris."

Ross: "But why, Rachel? Is there someone else?"

Rachel: "Yes. His name is Bob. Bob Dole."

[Bob Dole appears at the terminal gate.]

Bob Dole: "Bob Dole is here. Bob Dole flew from Paris to New York so that Bob Dole could personally escort you back to Paris to be with Bob Dole. Bob Dole loves you, Rachel. And Ross, Bob Dole will kill you if you try to interfere."

****
Look for the new NBC comedy "Big-Headed Bob Dole" on MUST SEE TV next season. Since every other show they have billed as "The New Friends" failed, they are running out of options.

• 12:52 AM

The One With a Monkey Up Your Butt

Friends started my last year of college (that's University to my Canadian readers). This was the year that 2 of my true loves started. Monkeys and the Internet. Didn't everyone want their own Marcel? It seemed appropriate that I watched tonight's episode with my fat cat Bandar (Monkey in Hindi). I inherited him from my old roommate, Ross Gellar. Just kidding. I lived with Joey.

The other thing I remember about 1994 is going to the school computer lab to use some new program called "Netscape" to view the "net". Through the search engine, "Fetch", I was able to view a couple "web pages" (I don't even know if they were called that) including the NBC Friends page. I really liked Marcel so I must have been looking for a picture of him. I think it's weird I remember that so well. The page was on a grey background and had some blue links in Times New Roman and had left aligned graphics, including a big logo on the white background with a blue link around it and some pictures from the set. That day I also viewed site on how to build a bomb and xrays of things people stuck up their butts. I had an epiphany, for this is what inspired me to become a web designer.

• 12:27 AM

Barry Mania

5.05.2004 • 11:34 PM

Go Google™ Yourself

I read an article last week about Google becoming a cultural phenomenon. I often use Google as a word, and regularly refer Brookstone customers to Froogle when we don't carry "things that lock" and other random items. Yes, a guy really was looking for that. I'll take "Things That Lock" for $500, Alec. How about the 10,000 pyramid version -- diaries, umm, trucks, doors, lockers -- ooh that's not allowed.

But I digress, as I so often do. So Matt Lauer, still looking scary with his buzz cut, was interviewing Jennifer Aniston tonight. In case you hadn't heard, FRIENDS is ending tomorrow night. How that could happen without me knowing until tonight I don't know.

So he asks her "When was the last time you Googled yourself?"

The look on her face was priceless. It took a sec before she realized he was talking about the Internet.

On a related note, the guy working at my coffee shop told me he was dehydrated this morning cause he Googling himself before work. I was a bit surprised because he usually doen't talk much. I tipped him a dollar.

• 11:18 PM

Cicadas In Your Hair

Channel 11 does it again. Can a new story title get any better?

5.01.2004 • 12:30 PM

FurBall.com





So Shrek the hermit ram took six years to grow his massive fleece, hiding out in a cave to avoid being pruned. He finally is caught & turned into a dot com ad.