4.28.2004 • 5:20 PM

Sink Holes, Frankenfish & Cicadas

If you are regular reader of my blog, you will have read my theories on the end of the world coming due to the hurricane, earthquakes, groundhog murders and other freak events that have been occuring.

And now we are taking it to the next level. (I hate the phrase. I'm going to start "taking things down a level".)

The news interrupted my daily dose of the Salem Serial Killer to report a sink hole in the area. It wasn't until 5pm when I saw the sky-eye chopper above Macy's Owings Mills Mall that I realized what a close call this was. The other Brookstone in the area is located very close to the 30x20 foot hole that swallowed a car & 4 people. I suspect they were on the way to Brookstone to buy a gift or something for themselves. So I called up the store to get the first hand report.

As I suspected, the store manager had been on the scene of the accident. She reported the people were still stuck down there and the Frankenfish had escaped. Ok, maybe I simplified this statement, but what better use for the internet if not to spread lies?

Yes, the real reason I had been watching the 5 o'clock news was to hear about our favorite walking fish, the Snakehead. It's back in Weaton now.

No one is sure how it got there, but I'm going to start the rumor that Frank was swimming through the pipes under Owings Mills Mall & caused the sinkhole.

The mouth on that fish is big enough to swallow a car.

In other news, "Cicadas 'like a yard full of chicken nuggets' to pets, Humane Society warns". I guess the phrase "tastes like chicken" is true again.

4.26.2004 • 2:57 PM

Menudo

Several weeks ago I randomly stated I thought Menudo should be brought back. 3 days later, Good Day Live reported the original boy band is indeed making a comeback. No, not with the original members! My "power" scared me a little... I've been on a streak of stating random things and then having them appear, but I was really joking about Menudo and I wasn't sure if I wanted a comeback. Young latin boys everywhere should be very excited. You are SOL if you are over the age of 14.

Now that I'm an adult, this whole concept has a very Michael Jackson edge to it. Scary!

On a related note... I wish I would have said it: "The Apprentice—it's like Menudo for MBAs! Next?"

4.25.2004 • 7:15 PM

Could I say that any louder?

It was a busy day at Brookstone & I was chatting with my coworker about a guy who was "with the band" from the night before. I said he had some piercings. Nick asked where, and very seriously and LOUDLY (I was only half paying attention cause I was watching the customers) and said:

"He had his labia pierced."

Nick looked at me with his jaw on the floor, and I realized what I said as we burst out laughing. I totally meant to say "labrae".

So close, yet sooooo far.

4.22.2004 • 2:23 PM

File Foto

You know you look bad when this is your E Online File Photo.

He looks like he's melting. Perhaps he could get a role as the wicked witch or the Nazi who opens the Arc in Raiders.

Oh Michael, I hope you go to jail. They could give you a prison makeover.

4.21.2004 • 9:57 PM

Idol Rant

The past 2 nights have been heaven for me. BARRY MANILOW ON AMERICAN IDOL. It just doesn't get any better. One of my favorite songs, Weekend in New England, was sung by Jennifer Hudson. Every week she improves and has become one of my favorites. And George, you know I love you but that wasn't the best version. I heard some notes in there I liked, but keep it simple.

And then there's John Stevens. I braced myself for his rendition of Mandy. I was hoping he's make it Randy. Could you imagine that. Simon could sing "Oh Randy, you came and gave without taking..." But John Boy makes me cringe. I'm a HATER. I swear the glass on my TV is going to break. And that look he gives the camera! But then... he keeps getting votes! WHAT IS GOING ON AMERICA!? We need to elect a freakin' PRESIDENT THIS YEAR and you can't even pick a good SINGER? I'm going to move to Canada.

So I turn to the message boards for a voice of reason and heard from one Stan Laurel, I mean John Stevens fan: "This isn't just a singing contest. It's about marketing and packaging. John Stevens is the total package. His voice is rich and strong. His sound is smooth and soothing. His key qualities are his individuality and his distinctiveness. He is a dapper fellow. He is nice-looking and clean-cut. He has extremely loyal fans who are passionate about him. He has a quiet, humble and subdued manner. His attitude is excellent."

You lost me at the DAPPER, dog.

John Stevens flat out can't sing. He can sing flat. Every note is off key. Sure, he might be a nice guy, and I hate seeing him cry, but come on... it's time for him to GO. You know it's time for you to go when all the judges are doing PR against you. He should vote himself off.

Worst of all, I feel like it's my fault cause I forgot to vote. I was so damn excited about seeing Barry I forgot to call. Hehe like I'm so important my one vote would have changed the outcome.

4.17.2004 • 12:46 PM

YOU'RE FIRED

Last Elves Fired from Santa's HQ
Fri Apr 16, 8:43 AM ET

HELSINKI (Reuters) - The last three worker elves at Father Christmas's official headquarters in Finland's Arctic have been fired as Santa Park grapples with its finances.

"It is really unfortunate that we had to fire them, but there is just no work," said Wille Rajala, the park's fourth director since it opened in 1998. "The person who has been called the head elf... still works for Santa Park."

***
I'm impressed that Trump's catch phrase has reached Santa. Really, wouldn't these people have been "laid off"? I guess that expression is soooo 2001.

My favorite term came from Williams Learning Network, where I worked until 1999. After a huge round of layoffs, the home office in Tulsa liked to refer to our former colleagues as "severed employees". Perhaps next season the Donald can "take it to the next level" and shout "You're SEVERED!"

4.16.2004 • 4:16 PM

Queer Word of the Day

Rammaytush- the native tribes that made their home on Mission Bay in San Francisco.

I have already found this word could be useful. Today Oprah is talking to "straight" black men who are married but sleep with women. The guy was struggling for a word to decribe a certain sexual act... when rammaytush would have worked quite well. So shout it out and bring SF back to our roots.

4.11.2004 • 1:41 AM

THE FATTEST CAT IN THE WORLD



My fat cat, Bandar.



German tom cat Mikesch, weighing an impressive 41 lbs.

Until I saw this on Yahoo, I would regularly refer to Bandar as "the fattest cat in the world". I can't stop laughing that the real fattest cat is his twin.

Cats usually weigh between six and 12 lbs and eat no more than about 10 ounces of food each day, vets say. Obviously they haven't seen Band eat. That's about one bite for him.

I have to be careful when bringing home groceries, or else he'll eat through plastic to get to bread. I once had pita bread squares to bring into work for a pot luck & I was worried he would eat them all before morning. He chewed the corners off a couple pieces when I wasn't looking. I had to balance the rest on a stool so he couldn't reach. Rasberry scones are even better. He's been known to eat them and leave a trail of crumbs on the floor like the popcorn trail in the Brady Bunch Hawaiian episode. He loves yogurt, edamame, carrots and asparagus. He regularly sniffs the rabbit food to see if he can eat that, too. I should be happy he doesn't eat the rabbit... although he has been licking Oscar lately. Probably taste testing.

4.02.2004 • 12:03 PM

Update

We now have both DSL & cable modem in my apartment. OH, I love excessive technology!!