2.21.2004 • 1:19 PM

Fantasy Island

So I'm watching Fantasy Island, and this episode is just the epitome of what rocked about 70s TV: fabulous guest stars, a funky soundtrack & great costumes. Melissa Sue Anderson from "Little House on the Prairie" is walking around a creepy house with the best sound effects I've ever heard. All the furniture is covered with white sheets, which for the longest time I thought was how you left a house when abandoning it. Scooby Doo always had this!! Ghosts have to get their sheets somewhere. The music is electric keyboards synthesizing other instruments, with a disco edge. I am giggling thinking about what I would do if I heard music like that start playing while creeping around a dark house at night. In the other sketch, Robert Goulet looks like a porn star with his afro hair, pointy goatee and chest hair. I'm not sure if he's supposed to be a cowboy or a pirate. He just had a sword fight with the "The Skipper" and "Herman Munster". Classic.

I remember LOVING this show when I was a kid. I wasn't really supposed to be watching it, but I had some babysitters who would let me watch. Sometimes it really scared me. I was probably afraid I'd hear that creepy music when I went upstairs to bed. I swear once I saw the boogyman crouched down in the hallway, but it was probably just some character from Fantasy Island. Maybe Tatoo took a wrong turn looking for da plane.

• 12:05 PM

Makeover Madness

I have a fresh, new idea for a TV show. There are no other shows like it on the market. If you are a representative of a cable station and can get me on-air, send me an email. The theme of your channel doesn't need to relate, there's something for everyone. We could add some putt-putt into it to make it work for the Golf Channel. Here's my idea:

A set of middle aged and unsuspecting homeowners are dropped off on a remote island for the weekend, for what they think is just a regular vacation. Little do they know, there are 16 hot men & woman competing for the love of their barely legal hot twin children (a boy & a girl). They all run around scantily clad for the camera doing replusive stunts that in real life have no bearing on making a good match. Some even pull a Little Richard Hatch & the post production team needs to work overtime blurring out skin. For the queer eye touch, a few of them are gay. Each night at a luau the couple gets to boot off 2 of the other players. But that's not all...while they are on the island, their friends, neighbors and mailman are busy back at their house. Our overly friendly host has them decorating in a way you've never seen before. They are taken shopping for new furniture & paint BLINDFOLDED! Then the actual decorating is done by Precious, the orangutan nurse on Passions. Back at the island, the 2 winning players are finally selected. The prize? The contestant's redecorated house is given to the winners, and the family is left to fend for themselves by eating rats and roaches while living in a van down by the river.

2.19.2004 • 5:21 PM

FLAT HEAD BABIES!

I've always thought the term "big headed baby" was hilarious. Now there's a new term to laugh at: "Flat Headed Babies". The news just ran a story about it, complete with chyron graphic of the term and closeup of a mis-shaped head. I know one day I'm going to be cursed with some wacked out child.

2.17.2004 • 2:57 PM

Gay Marriage Rant

It amazes me that people are so opposed to gay marriages. Marriage is tough. Divorce rates are between 43-50% in this country. The fact that any couple would want to enter into a union with that sort of "failure" rate surprises me sometimes.

Opponents argue gay marriage would ruin the "sanctity of marriage". Well then, let's just outlaw divorce. If allowing marriage between 2 people of the same sex is ruining this holy union, then laws allowing the END of a union are too. Too bad for people who have spiritual beliefs that actually allow divorce, because MY RELIGION SAYS IT'S WRONG. I'm going to force my religious beliefs on you in a legal way. Screw the separation of church & state. It's MY business what another couple decides to do together. It's hurting me personally! Allowing 2 people to love each other to commit and have legal rights should be outlawed! Allowing 2 people who hate each other to end their legal union should be outlawed too!

Yeagh, that makes total sense. We should be celebrating the love in this world. There certainly is enough hate.

• 12:52 PM

Another One Bites the Dust

So I saw this headline on Oddly Enough today... Woman Lived with Sister's Corpse for Months... and I think I'm getting immune to stories about dead people. Instead of thinking "that's so gross", I thought, "hey, another one". I am wondering HOW MANY OTHERS are out there? Are there any dead people in my apartment complex? Yahoo seems to have a story like this every few weeks or so. What about the smell? I guess you just get used to it.

My Mom's house had a weird smell a couple years ago. The Smell o' Death. We couldn't figure out where it was coming from, because as soon as we got close, our noses would get used to it. A squirrel in the heating vents? A mouse behind a wall? Bingo, the freezer had died! Now, you can only imagine how bad the smell was. It managed to creep out of the locked, sealed door, and it was extremely noticable when walking in the front door of the house... and that was up a level and through 2 other doors. Trash day wasn't for a few days, so the only choice was to fill up the Tupperware trash cans and haul it to the dump. The problem was, we had a funeral to attend the next morning, and it was a hot day, so this needed to be done ASAP. My Mom's brilliant idea was to drive home after the funeral, put the trash cans in her trunk, drive to the dump, then on to the wake. So we pull up on Recycle Way (yes the dump road is really named that), jump out of the car in our nice Church clothes, and throw the 2 trash cans into the trailer below and drive away as fast as we could. New trash cans can be bought. People were looking at us like we were nuts, which we were. I felt like we were mobsters dumping bodies, or at least Lucy & Ethel involved in another hairbrained scheme. One last problem... had the smell leaked onto the car? Solution, my Mom bought a new car that night. True Story. And now you see why I'm so wacked.

Speaking of repeated odd stories, are shark bites going to become the norm? I'm so sick of that girl who got her arm eaten. Sure, I'm glad she lived, but she is such an idiot and she's doing tons of interviews and even got her own made-for-tv-movie. A surfer in Australia also got bit by a crazy shark that latched onto his leg and held on for a few hours. But my favorite was the shark biting a shark... Survivor Richard Hatch had a shark bite his arm and hold on... so Dick BIT THE SHARK BACK. Go Dick. Did it taste like chicken?

2.16.2004 • 11:18 PM

"Almost a Wardrobe Malfunction"

That headline was just flashed across my TV. Nice use of the Chryon graphics. I'm inspired to haiku:

Oh, Beyonce, girl.
After the Janet breast mess
What were you thinking?

• 8:44 PM

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2.12.2004 • 12:57 AM

Lost in Translation

christianspoo.com

Maybe it's not about Christians Pooing, but that would be pretty entertaining.

So I found this by Googling "cn tower hat". Conan O'Brien is up in Canada this week. I thought maybe I they made a tall hat of the CN Tower after seeing the phrase "Click Here to Buy Products Related to the CN Tower". RELATED? So could that be ANY tower merchandise? What about CNN stuff?

2.10.2004 • 3:04 PM

Dr. Phil is only one step away from Jerry Springer

Good lord, this new "Dr. Phil Family" is so trashy. They actually need a diagram to explain the kids with 4 different fathers. But it's all OK cause the woman is a Mormon. (haha) But since she's now pregnant with a baby from her lastest affair (one of about 10 she has admitted to), she's giving that up for adoption, "Because abortion is against her religion. I'm a Mormon."

Now I have nothing against the Mormon (or any other) religion. What pisses me off is people like this who pick and choose what parts of the religion they are going to follow. Isn't divorce and affairs also against your religion? This woman's kids are so screwed up. My only help is that Dr. Phil could actually help get them straightened out. Although now the world knows how screwed up the family is.

Is this any trashier than Jerry Springer? Well, so far no boob flash. (Insert Janet Comment Here). No fist throwing. But the Philster does give his "final thoughts" on the matter. I'm guessing he's about 3 seasons away from "Hillbilly Love!", "Outraged Lovers!", or "Classic Springer: Tales Of The Midget Klan!".

• 2:32 AM

I'm worried about Paris Hilton

She's a facinating creature. I'm hooked and I can't stop staring. No, not because of the video. She loves that level 5 Mystic tan. And those Gumby arms and legs. But I think she needs to see a chiropractor. Have you ever seen her stand up straight? Take a look!! The few times she's standing relatively straight she's hanging on some A-list celebrity. Maybe she's just drunk. Or it's a new yoga pose. Or her Manolo Blahniks are throwing her out of alignment. Might I suggest a Temper-pedic pillow or massager from Brookstone?

Whatever it is, Ms. Hilton, it makes for a Yahoo photo search second only to President Bush. Now he takes funny photos. He has the fish lips and hand gestures that just cry for a good caption contest. That will be coming soon to a computer screen near you.

2.09.2004 • 1:09 AM

Birthday Mugshots



It's been a busy weekend for birthdays! Happy Birthday to Grandma Paull, Becky, Mike & Jenny Manilow. Aren't you thrilled to be in the same group as the motley crew above? At first I thought that was Nick Nolte's real mugshot, but oh no, it's a premiere photo. Good lord, if he can be famous, shouldn't I be as well?

2.06.2004 • 9:00 PM

Goodbye Stuckeyville

The bowling alley has closed. Well, probably. No *final* word that Ed's been cancelled, but more than likely it's over.

At times the show had some of the best writing on TV. So many times I'd laugh out loud at unexpected moments. It definitely had the quirkiest characters, and it will be missed. Reading through the posts at Stuckeyville.com had me pick up on those little overlooked references which truly made the show great.

I'm having mixed feelings as to whether I think the campaign to get it renewed should even be fought. Looking back on my own life, I think of it in little chapters. High School. 4H Camp. University. (that's a shout out to my Canadian friends) Williams. Fatbrain. And now... Maryland Pt. 2. I'd have to say goodbye to dear friends. For the most part... it was time. Time to say goodbye and move on. Usually to better things, but to take the experience and friends gathered along the way and begin a new chapter.

In all honesty, I think the show had lost some steam this season. Carol grated my nerves during the beginning of the season. Some episodes I felt like the cast was just phoning in their performances, which I chalked up to a lack of support from NBC.

Eli Cartwright Goggins III was one of the highlights, and I hope to see Daryl "Chill" Mitchell in another show soon.

So let's just wrap it up with Ed's speech and hope for the DVDs!

"I've always believed that life is divided into 2 parts. What is and what should be. And that with a lot of effort, some hard work, and maybe a little luck, there are moments in your life when the two parts touch. When what is and what should be are the same."-Ed

2.05.2004 • 12:54 PM

As Long As They Don't Mess with My Lance Bass

NFL has decided to cancel a halftime performance by Timberlake's fellow 'N Syncer, JC Chasez. CBS wants to "take things in a different direction" than Boobgate so they are replacing the show with hula girls. Girls in bikini tops getting lai'd. Yeah, I see how that makes sense.

2.04.2004 • 8:40 PM

Jesus!!

Jesus forgot his words on American Idol! Damn. I SOOOO WANTED the next American Idol to be named "Jesus Roman". That's not pronounced "Hey-zeus", although that would be just as funny. His brother, Noel Roman, also forgot the words. They have been so busy smack-talking saying they were going to beat the other. Honestly, I'm not sure which one was worse. You think their parents were just a tad religious?

Divine intervention... they both just made the cut.

• 7:34 PM

SPIKED

Spike Lee slamming Janet Jackson for her breast-baring stunt during the Super Bowl halftime show last weekend, calling it a "new low" of attention-getting antics by entertainers.

For the record, Spikely the Hermit Crab thought Ms. Jackson was nasty, and should be banned from the Grammys.

Now I'm so glad Spike Lee crawled out of his shell to comment on this. After last summer's law suit against Spike TV, I was beginning to think the Spikester had lost his mind.

• 1:03 AM

Al Roker is Smokin' Crack

Highlights from his interview on Conan include: bustin' on Canada, flashing his breast a la Janet & her "throwing star" nipple plate, headbanging to the new "Where in the World is Matt Lauer" theme and a recipe for cooking Puxataney Phil (complete with groundhog impression and the quote "I hate that groundhog. 6000 tv lights around, Stevie Wonder could see his shadow!")

That was pretty funny. But he looks fake now. Between Randy Jackson, Al & Michael I feel like there is a black man missing.

• 12:28 AM

Pocomoke Poll

I used to live in a building at UMBC called Pocomoke. (Or Poke-a-Sig to those who know Tri Sigma). When we were bored, my roommate Susan & I used to call people with the "Pocomoke Poll". My favorite question was "do you find bald men sexy?" Most people would say "no", to which we would respond, "not even Jean-Luc Picard?!" They would quickly change their minds. Go Jean-Luc.

But what's up with your image above? Yahoo photos had it loading very pixelated. Yet still a sexy beast.

Don't miss my other favorite Patrick Stewart photo.

2.03.2004 • 1:18 AM

Techie Names First Son Version 2.0

HOLLAND, Mich. - Jon Blake Cusack talked his wife, Jamie, into naming their son Jon Blake Cusack 2.0. After 2.0's birth, the Cusacks sent out an electronic birth announcement. "I wrote in the birth announcement e-mail stuff, like there's a lot of features from version 1.0 with additional features from Jamie," Jon Cusack said.

***
Wow, this makes me want to give birth, or at least clone myself!

2.02.2004 • 11:23 PM

Rosie Offers Support For Martha

I almost forgot about po' Martha.

Rosie O'Donnell showed up to support Martha Stewart at her criminal trial Monday and coyly offered a prosecutor a bag of peanut M&M's as a bribe to drop the case.

It just leaves me wondering 2 things:
1. Was that the BEST defense you could get? Sure, Oprah's off celebrating her 50th Birthday, but what about Julia Child? or Emeril? or the Naked Chef? or the Frugal Gourmet (nevermind -- he's probably in jail)
2. Was it the black and white M&M's, or did Rosie help the M&M's find their colors?

• 11:10 PM

Action Jackson

WJZ 13 has Kai Jackson reporting on the Super Boob. Poor Kai. He's struggling to get respect, and there's Janet trashing his family name. They have him reporting from the hallway. Brooks Tomlin, the weather guy, has to stand outside in the "Outback", but somehow that seems cooler than the hallway.

I'm SHOCKED that Janet had this all planned out. You mean with a new album coming out, she would stoop to exposing herself to get attention?

Hey, I have an idea!! Janet should be one of the FemBots if they make Austin Powers 4!! That star thing looks like it could hurt someone.

Oh good, Kai's now back talking about Mars. WJZ finally has their priorities straight and report the snow first, entertainment second, then stuff about unlocking the mysteries of our universe.

• 7:41 PM

Bosomgate Update

"No word on whether Ms. Jackson, her bosom or Justin Timberlake, whose grab precipitated the wardrobe malfunction TiVo'd around the world, would be called to Washington, D.C., testify. "

• 4:27 PM

The Boob Seen Around The World

It seems as if MTV has been reading my blog. And I'm sorry to say I missed the actual halftime show, and had to rely on Regis & Kelly to break the shocking news to me.

The SuperBoob incident is being blamed on a "wardrobe malfunction". Damn, I hate when that happens. And I'm calling it now: "Wardrobe Malfunction" will be on the Top 10 Phrases of 2004.

A man came into Brookstone today, and decribed his experience: "I was standing there drinking a beer, and I glanced at the TV. I did a doubletake and wasn't sure what I saw. I called the party host in and he used his Tivo to rewind and replay & freezeframe the shot. Now I see how cool Tivo is. Everyone should have it!"

I have to say, I think Janet's as innocent as Michael. Just because she had her nipple covered doesn't mean she expected JT to grab her breast. I mean, I wear metal star pasties everyday. You can only imagine the amount of superglue I go through in a year. And on cold winter days, it can be quite uncomfortable. But I'm as prepared as a Boy Scout for the day when a former boy-band member rips my bodice open in front of 89 million people.

Advertisers paid $76,666 a second for a TV commercial at Super Bowl XXXVIII. Fans were said to have doled out as much as $6,000 for a ticket. The feds investigating the SuperBoob Incident are talking about millions in fines. I'm beginning to think the Super Bowl is no longer about sportsmanship and just a way for 'the man' to make money.

• 4:00 PM

GROUNDHOG'S DAY!!!

What a glorious day for weather watchers! We get the official forcast from our furry friends! Here's what they say:

Punxsutawney Phil
"I'm glad I live in this luxurious burrow on the Knoband not in a dirty, smelly spider hole like a slob.
When I come out I don't want to negotiate;
But to just do my job and prognosticate.

Today because my shadow I see,
six more weeks of winter there will be."


Wiarton Willie
While the sun rose in the east Willie watched it carefully, but just as he spoke to Mayor Noble he turned and faced west, therfore seeing his shadow in the morning light.

But this prediction is given by a murderous groundhog!!


Oscar Mayer Weiner Cadbury Bunny Schenk
After reading about Willie's crimes, my rabbit decided to take over as an albino groundhog. He's been hybernating all winter, and he woke up late in the day to go run around the porch and make his prediction:

My shadow or not?
Don't know why you're asking me
I'm just a rabbit.

It seems like his weather predicting training didn't go so well, but he did learn the ancient art of haiku.