9.18.2002 • 9:08 PM

Magna is my Aerobics Teacher!

You know Magna, the really really tan neighbor in "There's Something About Mary". Well, give her a new short do (which she covers with a white hankerchief), add TPB-Trailer Park Blue eye shadow, black spandex and wet-noodle like moves and there you go! It's the teacher of my new aerobics class!

Highlights of the class included:

• Stretching while avoiding shuttlecocks from the High School Badmitton squad
  
• Doing the YM\A (my teacher didn't quite get the C right)
  
• Grabbing sweaty shoulders with the stranger next to me to do a Rockett routine to "New York New York".

I'm dropping the class tomorrow and going to the real YMCA.

• 12:33 AM

Nash Bridges

So my life has been like the movie Groundhog's Day lately, every day I've been working 10-2pm at Brookstone with the same manager. I actually thought last Saturday I was working with someone else, but then Tom was there again. So there has been nothing exciting to report, except I'm going to be going back to SF for a nice long trip for my birthday!

I'm home now doing some work and "Nash Bridges" is on. I like to watch so I can spot SF, just like I watched "Homicide" while I was out there. I was thinking how lame that was, then I looked up and they just went walking down Arkansas St., which was at the bottom corner of Potrero Hill where I lived!! I looked for my Neon in the background cause it was where I parked and it was filmed when I lived there. The cops knocked on my "neighbor's" door, and then they were going to come up the hill to the next house to interview some other bad neighbor.

I really started laughing at that, because I had 2 pieces of white trash that lived next door to me, right where the actors said to go. The real police really used to show up there all the time.

I have 2 good stories about them. The first event is what caused me really not to like them. My friend was dropping me off, and he tried to stop in front of my garage, but went a bit too far. We were finishing up a conversation, with the car running, when the bleach-blond-60-year-old-chain-smoking-and-drinking-on-the-front-stoop-bitch that lived there started SCREAMING at us that is wasn't a parking spot. I was really nice and said we weren't parking, and I was about to get out of the car. She freaked and started cursing, which pissed me off, so I told her to go to her backyard and pick up the pile of trash out there rather than yelling at me. She blamed me, a renter, for ruining the neighborhood.

The other guy who lived there came up with the brillant idea of putting orange traffic cones to "save" his piece of PUBLIC SIDEWALK. They kept disappearing, maybe because my friend would steal them, maybe not. Everytime I walked by there house I thought of burning dog poop or something, but I did refrain. Then one day, the Lord heard my prayers...

Late one night, I heard a loud crash. Like any good nosey neighbor, I went to the window and hung out to see what was going on. I was up on the 3rd floor, so I had an excellent view of the scene below. Actually, the guys head looked a lot like Giuliani's below. Some drunk guys leaving the tiki bar on the upper corner flipped their SUV on its side, and then backwards into my neighbor's garage! I still can't figure out how on earth they managed to wind up like they were, because they really should have hit the garage in MY building! I'm convinced a big huge karma magnet dragged it into the asshole's house. I know they heard me laughing as 4 police cars, an ambulance and a firetruck all showed up!

Of course, the cones went back up and they parked their beat up car hanging out in the street for the next 2 months while they got a new garage door, but I didn't care this time.

Come to think of it, I DID spot the asshole's car on Nash Bridges.

Look for another good shot of Pot Hill in the end of "High Crimes".

9.13.2002 • 6:55 PM

Former New York City mayor gives up his comb-over for straight-back hairstyle

** CAN YOU BELIEVE THIS IS NEWS? **

Former New York Mayor Rudolph Giuliani is shown in these 2002 file photos. Giuliani has given up this comb-over hairstyle on April 18., left, in favor of a new straight-back 'do on seen Wednesday, Sept. 11, 2002, right, that is winning rave reviews.



Actually, it reminds me of a funny thing that happened on a windy day. I was working at Ralphie's Diner and a man and woman come in for a business lunch. The man's comb over had blown over and was hanging down towards his shoulder. While he walked towards his table, it was flapping in the air. He ate his entire lunch without noticing. The poor lady he ate lunch with had to sit and eat with a straight face.

9.09.2002 • 11:34 PM

MULL-AYS at TAR-JAY

Leaving Tar-jay I saw 2 new types of mullets:

• Muu Muu Mullet: 2 large women, one wearing a muu muu, one with a mullet!
  
• Jeri Curl Mullet: The blend on this one was pretty good, with a nice flo between the party in front and business in back.

Special mullet points to my roommate's office for a new term: the Porn-Tash. The porn mustache is often seen in combo with a mullet so I figured I would mention it. Thomas, maybe you can try and grow this one!

Ever wonder when the next Mullet family reunion is?

Mullets are always a good topic for haikus.

For restaurant fun, I suggest leaving the name Mullet with the hostess. You may need to practice saying it and spelling it with a straight face. Bonus points if your new surname is pronouced "Mull-ay".

9.05.2002 • 12:27 AM

VIEW FROM THE TOP

I'm working part time at Brookstone, home of innovative and useful gadgets (READ: Massage chairs and form-fitting beds).

The other day a man was fully reclined in the massage chair, giving my a great top view of his new hairplugs. They looked just like little rows of corn, all plugged in like my old dolls.

But the best Brookstone moment was when a rather large (both in height and width) man came in with obvious back problems. He was wearing a trucker-style mesh no-brim-fold baseball hat, tight USA t-shirt, elastic waist shorts riding up between his thighs and white socks pulled up to his knees. Supporting his belly was a large leather back brace. I gave him my speech about how fabulous the beds are (try them out if you have not, but take my advice below before you do). I was standing at the bottom of the bed as he crashed his butt down on the bed. He then threw one leg over to lay down, EXPOSING HIMSELF TO ME! The dude was going Commando, and I was the lucky salesperson to find out!

So please, wear clean underwear in case you need to go to the hospital, or bed shopping.

9.04.2002 • 12:23 AM

I LEFT MY HEART IN SAN FRANCISCO

But now I can view it all online! This is one amazing site with interesting facts, people and places in the city. Forget Fisherman's Wharf, this is the REAL DEAL!

www.mistersf.com

And the guy who runs the site looks strangely like my friend AlanE. Bizarre!